Malak
by Sandra Evans
Summary: a look inside Malak's head and memories while he was on the Star Forge, and how he relates to Revan.


I'd definitely say that this is one of my favorite pieces that I have done so far. Please R+R!

Everyone has a dream for their life, of this I am certain. When I was a child, I thought like a child, and I had a simple dream. I wanted to be a Jedi knight, for my yellow blade to flash with all of the bright intensity of the sun. As I grew, my desires changed accordingly. I fell in love and wanted nothing more than to be with her for all of my days. Looking back, I see what a fool I was to have such sentiments. I began to realize my weakness, and morphed into what I have become…strong, powerful, and invincible. I am the Sith Lord above all Sith. I am the ruler of the star forge, destroyer of planets. I have no weaknesses.

I can feel her presence now in the room beyond. I remember how that presence once soothed me, how it calmed my troubled spirit through one soft wave of emotion-laden force. But I also remember how that same beautiful presence tormented me, how her cruel kisses and hateful laughter had mocked me, had angered me, had shamed me. She had forced me through her cruelty to become what I am and I should be grateful to her for it.

She is in the room now; I can feel her. Being so close to the woman that I had once loved, and now hated beyond measure, makes my head pound with blood even as my heart droops with sorrow. I turn to her and am struck by her eyes. Those baby-blue orbs had drawn me to her, had always pulled me so close. Those eyes had been windows to her soul and had wordlessly revealed to me how deeply she could love, how fully she could trust. But those same eyes had yellowed from the influence of the dark side which I now revel in. They had become closed so that I could read no emotion, save the occasional snap of anger. Those eyes that had once conveyed understanding had brought torment to my soul. But now they are as they were when we children, blue, wide, and innocent, although touched by sadness and compassion.

"Mallie," she breathes softly, and she comes a step towards me. I recognize the utter self-loathing that has settled upon her pretty face; I see it every time that I look in the mirror. I snarl deep in my throat at the weakness that I have just confessed to myself. It is better to let such thoughts stay in the subconscious. It is her fault that my weaknesses are being made known to me. She will pay for this. I activate my lightsaber, the red light flooding my features. "Revan," I growl, pouring all of my hatred into that one simple word.

"I don't want to fight you," she says quietly, her expressive eyes soft and loving. I am drawn back to a time in our childhood, when I had gone against the Jedi code and let my aggression loose.

"_Come on Revan, you aren't scared, are you?" a young Malak sneered, pulling out his sword. He had been humiliated before the masters, had been treated condescendingly after having horribly lost a mock-battle. In all reality, he didn't mean to be as cruel as he sounde, did not expect his challenge to sound as daring as it did. He was an eight-year-old boy whose pride was smarting and who had no one to help fix his bruised ego, no mother to kiss his scrapes. _

_Little Revan's eyes sparkled with tears. She always was too quick to give into emotion. "Mallie, Mallie please stop!" she had explained, one big tear falling from her bright blue eyes. _

_Malak's grip on his sword tightened. "Of course you wouldn't be. You just beat me after all!" he exclaimed, his angered tone masking his own tears that he refused to let fall. Little boys simply didn't cry, especially not Jedi boys. "You embarrassed me in front of everybody!" he exclaimed, his lower lip beginning to quiver. He swallowed the emotion rising in his throat and continued. "I'll show you that I can fight good!" he exclaimed, raising his weapon higher. _

_Tears were falling down Revan's golden cheeks freely now, and she ran towards the little boy, her arms outstretched. "I don't want to fight you Mallie! I love you!" she exclaimed, and flung her arms around his neck. The eight-year-old Malak knew very little about girls, but knew enough to understand how much he had hurt his friend's feelings. So, acting on pure instinct, he hugged her back._

I swallow hard. We were children then, we didn't know the depth of love. However, I had felt enough remorse towards her for being such a fool that I vowed never to make her cry again. A wistful smile tugs at the corners of my lips, but I swiftly compress my mouth back into a thin line. I had vowed never to do anything to make her cry again, but she had done all manners of things to hurt me in the years that had followed.

_The practice room was hot and reeked of sweat, but Revan apparently reveled in the place. Her once smooth, supple skin was now covered by scars and sith tattoos, which she was fiercely proud of. She emitted a dark aura, which smothered her in a cloud of swirling emotions. The intensity of the dark cloud that surrounded her had often frightened her apprentice. _

_Now, the pair stood, panting, sweat dripping from their bodies as they faced each other. Revan raised her lightsaber higher. "Again!" she called, and charged at Malak. _

_Malak lifted his blade in defense, but she was stronger than he was, and with a flick of her wrist, his saber flew from his hands and into her own. "You do not fight well Malak," she said softly as she drew close to her apprentice. "You never did, after all. You lost nearly every match back at the academy, not that those fool Jedi were any competition. I suppose that you will always simply be a weakling," she sighed as a smile twisted her features. _

_Malak drew his breath, and fingered his sore hand. "You did lose on occasion yourself, Rev," he informed her, and her yellow eyes flashed. _

_The young woman quickly lifted him into a force choke, and he could feel his lungs begin to burst from lack of oxygen. "Never address me in so careless a manner, apprentice!" she exclaimed, throwing his against a wall. Malak slumped against the metal surface, attempting to catch his breath. "I am sorry, Master," he wheezed. "I do not wish to fight you," he whispered humbly, although a red haze filled his vision. _

_Revan smiled again. "Oh, you misunderstand me completely, dear Apprentice. I do not wish to fight you either," she had said with feigned innocence in her voice. "I want to break you."_

I look at the woman who stands before me now with a mixture of love and hatred. She has bound me into a spell where the fibers of these two emotions are so closely intertwined, it is impossible to distinguish one from the other. I sneer at her, and repeat the words that she had said to me not so long ago. "I don't want to fight you, Revan. I want to break you."

When she looks at me, it is not with the anger and hatred that I had anticipated. Her eyes are filled with sympathy and compassion for me, and at the same time are shadowed with deep sadness. "Mallie, please. I stopped…you too can stop where you're heading. Turn back to the light. The council will accept you back with open arms…I… I don't want my best friend's death on my head."

My lightsaber is still raised up to my face, and a part of me curses myself for not attacking her while I have the chance, while another part longs to accept her words and do as she suggests. I quickly suppress that urge, and glare at her. "Your friend? We are hardly friends, Revan," I say, letting loose a mocking chuckle. "We are sworn enemies. You gave up your power as the dark lord to become a weakling puppet of the council. You are beneath my contempt, and I will be doing a service to the galaxy when I kill you."

She just looks at me with sadness and her eyes…and…pity! I do not want anyone's pity, least of all hers. I feel my anger grow until it is too much to bear, and then I lunge forward. She ignites her lightsaber smoothly, albeit reluctantly, and viridian clashes against red, sending sparks flying through the air. She is holding back, I know, and I long to creep under her skin as she has gotten under mine, to arouse her own passionate emotions.

I probe into her mind, and am amazed to find it completely unguarded. I realize that she is allowing me in, to probe through her most private experiences and memories. I will not let the chance she has given me to go to waste. As we fight, images of her life flash through my mind…of her friends, of a child, and of great, fathomless love. I nearly stop attacking her when I see how deep her ties run to her companions. For a moment, I feel remorse for what I have become, but the remorse is swiftly banished by anger. How dare she have such ties to people when it was she who led me down this path; who obliterated my love? I allow all of my emotions to flow through my body and into my sword arm, the strength of my attack doubling in strength.

Revan meets the challenge easily, and doesn't even break a sweat as she fends off my parries and thrusts. I have misjudged her, I realize. Though she walks the path of the light, she is still fierce in combat. I begin to panic. I need to do something…anything to distract her. I decide to use the knowledge that I gleaned from her mind to do just that. "Do you honestly think that he'll want you?" I ask, and am pleased to see the color drain from her face.

"I don't know what you are talking about," she says, and even without dipping into the force, I can see that she is lying.

I want to hurt her as badly as she hurt me, to make her able to understand that pain that I have lived with these past five years. "Yes, you do," I say, and I increase the strength put into my attacks. She is beginning to struggle against my lightsaber now, and I know that most of the reason is because of the battle that is waging within her broken mind. "Your pilot will want nothing to do with you when he learns exactly what you are."

"What I was," she insists firmly, but I can sense her resolve on that point is weakening. I almost feel pity towards her. We were friends once after all…no! That was many years ago, and there is too much recent history between us for the pity to remain. She is a creature, a pawn, and an enemy…nothing more. I continue as though I hadn't heard her, as though I hadn't been momentarily lost in my thoughts. "Was it my child that ruined you? Or was it Jaq's? Or Carrel's? Or Saul's? Or a dozen other men whose names I conveniently forget at this moment?" I sneer. Hot color rushes up to her cheeks. I am getting to her now, and a part of me feels giddy, but another part feels guilty. I push down the feelings of remorse and continue. "Does your pilot know that you were famed for your promiscuity? It shouldn't surprise him. After all, it didn't take him long to get into your bed."

Her eyes are on fire now, and I can easily see the battle that is raging within her. She wants to kill me; that is now obvious. But she is clinging to her Jedi code. I secretly admire her for her self-control, and I swallow as I feel her anguish. She fights back, gaining the upper hand. I grasp for a way out. It would be easy to fight against her while she is impassioned…but this dead calm, this is what is so difficult. She is impossible to read.

"I really hurt you, didn't I?" she asks quietly after a few moments of silence, the only sound filling the cavernous room before that had been that of our sabers clashing.

"I hated you; it was impossible for you to hurt me," I retort, swinging my lightsaber even more fiercely.

"You hate me so much because you loved me," she says with surprised certainty, as though she had only just realized that.

"I never loved you Revan. It is impossible to love a monster, only possible to hate."

Her eyes make contact with mine, and I am pierced by the conviction that lies within them. "Hate is not the opposite of love; indifference is. I hurt you, Mallie, and I am so sorry." Her voice is filled with truth, and it suddenly becomes too much to bear. I stare at her for a second, stopping mid-swing. Yes, she did hurt me, more than I could ever bear to admit, and I realize with a start that I still love her as much as I did when we were children. I freeze. My apparent hatred for this woman before me has been masking my true emotions so well that I hadn't even realized the truth.

She hadn't been expecting my sudden pause, and her lightsaber cuts into my side, puncturing several vital organs. I am awash with pain, and I sink down to the cold floor. Bright stars suddenly flash before my eyes, and I hear her cry out. My head is suddenly cradled in her lap, and her tears wet my face. "Oh, Mallie! I'm so sorry, so sorry!" she cries out, and desperately tries to heal me. But her force is depleted from our fight, and the wounds are fatal. I know it is of no use. She sees it too, and she puts her forehead against mine, sobs wracking her little body.

Blood rises up my throat, and somehow, I manage to speak through the blood and the pain. "You always were too emotional, Revan…never suited for the Jedi…never right for the Sith either," I choke out, and manage a watery laugh.

Revan gently cups my face with her hand. "You were never right for the Sith either," she says softly, not bothering to wipe away her tears. "Turn back to the light, Mallie. Its not too late," she begs me softly.

Her blue eyes plead with me, but I manage to find the strength to shake my head. "…Too late for me…Wonder, what would it be like if it was me, not you…council saved…wonder…Lucky to have you here, Rev…Always have loved you…just denied it." I can feel the pain beginning to ebb as my breath becomes short and haggard. She senses the change within me too, and desperately begins trying to heal me. I fall into darkness, and I can her cry my name. But the sound is coming from a great distance away. I slip deeper and deeper into nothingness, and my pain is gone. There is only nothingness. It is so black, so dark…so empty. And for the first time in a long time, I am terrified.

Suddenly, I can feel her life force hook into me, giving me life, bringing me back to the land of the living. I grasp onto the lifeline tightly, and I can feel her fading as I slowly gain strength. Now that she is pouring herself into me, I have full access to not only her mind, but her dreams and emotions as well. Everyone has a dream for their life, of this I am certain. Hers is of a chubby toddler nestled in her arms, the pilot's arms holding them both close and safe. She longs for this life above all others, but she knows that if she saves me, it can never come true. But she cares for me enough to let it all go in order to save my life. And I care for her enough to let go of the life force that she has offered me and descend into darkness.

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I've always pitied Malak, and have always pictured him in the "Phantom" sort of light. Yeah, I got carried away by my depression again. Could you tell? Anyway…Please give this a thumbs up, and don't forget to leave a review. I absolutely love your comments. Thanks for reading!


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